July 21, 2020

I am, I often joke, a being built entirely of crushes and anxiety.

You joke, but…

But is that so far from the truth? Is that wrong? It is an incomplete definition, perhaps but it is not incorrect. There is a set of negative emotions that I feel, and a lot of them are bundled up beneath the umbrella of anxiety. There are a lot of positive emotions that I feel, and when I feel them about people, they are bound up under the header of crush.

The squish zone, I call it.

Crush, squish…how delightfully physical.

They are very physical feelings. They’re a type of attraction that has a flavor, a taste. They’re a type of attraction that comes over me with a pressure within my chest and a compulsive itch to move, to touch.

And it’s not that they’re not emotional. They are. They’re very emotional. They’re just of a more forceful breed.

More forceful than what?

Than simple romance. Than the comfortable sort of love that comes with an established relationship.

They’re not comfortable at all. They come upon me like a palsy. They ride me like madness.

“Involuntary state of intense romantic desire” indeed.


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