June 10, 2020
JD and I have been seeing a couples therapist for a few weeks now.
Hard left, much?
There’s a reason.
She’s a pretty good therapist. A bit chatty, occasionally prone to anticipating what we’re going to say, but that’s alright. Still, I’ve been getting a surprising amount out of the sessions. Surprising in that it’s more than I think I’d get out of sessions with just her, and far more than I’d get out of talking with just JD. She’s too new to me, and JD and I are too familiar for either one on its own to lead to the amount of learning I’m getting done.
Greater than the sum of the parts?
By a lot, yes. Perhaps it’s the context shift inherent in couples therapy: it changes the way JD and I talk to and about each other. Perhaps it’s the fact that such therapy is inherently guided: while my therapy sessions with Jessica — a delightful therapist I like a lot — can be a bit mixed because sometimes there’s no core thread to chase down, we automatically have a topic to talk about, a project to work on here.
And so?
And so, given that I’m one of those 40 million unemployed in the US, and given that I have, as of this week, used up all of my savings, and given that I was denied unemployment benefits due to having been an independent contractor, that’s featured quite heavily in our sessions.
And so this idea of worth as tied to productivity featured heavily in today’s–
Yesterday’s
–right, I’ve been awake for too long. This idea of productivity as self-worth featured heavily. In particular, while the idea that I heavily associate my worth as a person with the things that I produce is not new, though it is particularly evident of late, the idea that I have a hard time asking for help specifically because that would mean that I am, in some way, failing is. This is the thing that I am learning. I’m learning that I am failing.
You are, in a way.
I am.
You fail all the time.
Yes.
You’re failing to sleep right now.
Yes.
…
???
You fell asleep and are writing this the next day.
Yes.
You’re always failing.
Of course.
You forgive others their failures. Can you not forgive your own?
Apparently not. Am I worthy of forgiveness?
Not my department.
Right.
Let me throw that back at you. That is my department. Are you worthy of forgiveness?
Of course I am. That’s something I can answer immediately on an intellectual level. There is decidedly more hesitation when asked to answer that on an emotional level, though. And when it comes to that third-of-three parts, that part defined by negative space and shadow and blind spots–
My neighbor.
–then no, I am not. Not by a long shot.