July 21, 2020
I think the core problem here is that I form crushes more readily than I form friendships. Or, rather, that I form crushes that then, down the line, turn into friendships.
Is that a problem?
It can be. It can be uncomfortable to fall for someone before reaching some comfortable level of equilibrium (or perhaps desensitization) and we settle into friendship.
It doesn’t always work in that order. Sometimes, I’ll form a pretty solid friendship and then kablam, there I am, pining away over someone. It’s like a switch was flipped, though I’m rarely aware of what the switch is, when it is actually flipped; I just suddenly realize, “Oh my god, I think I may love them.”
Perhaps the problem is that you are so unsure of how to deal with someone being nice to you, willingly and of their own accord, that you can’t help but latch onto that as something worth loving.
Oof owie.
Perhaps.
I don’t think that’s the whole of the problem — or, well, “problem” — but it’s a big enough part of it, that there’s no real getting around it. Perhaps the switch being flipped is me realizing, on some subconscious level, that they honestly care for me, even if it’s just as a simple friendship.