August 18, 2019
Self harm is a recurring theme within my life.
It takes so many forms, too. The cutting and burning, sure, but also the self-sabotage. Dropping my testosterone to zero. If approaching this in a sexual fashion was wrong, then remove the sexuality.
An obvious solution.
I punished myself for what I did. If was fetishizing, if I was causing harm, then I deserved to suffer for it. I removed my sexuality from the picture. Cyproterone acetate twice a day and medroxyprogesterone every two weeks does a really good job of that.
I tell myself now that if I belive something to be true when I’m depressed as well as when I’m hypomanic, it’s more likely to be right.
One of us only tells the truth, and one of us only lies.
Perhaps if I still felt like I existed a few millimeters to the left of my body when sex wasn’t a part of the equation, I was more likely to be right in pursuing the path of gender exploration.
I talked with JD about this, he helped me out, but I told basically no one else. I tanked my T and attempted to learn from my punishment.
Now now, what did we say about secrets?
And then I let it slip on FurryMUCK, yes.
You spilled the beans.
Yes. Then I admitted it. I talked about it.
You spoiled the surprise.
Everyone was so confused.
Lapsus linguae.
I was so ashamed.
You spoke too soon.
Even my punishment was wrong.
It was the last thing Margaras heard from you.
Never mind stopping myself from creating Younes, nevermind stopping myself from chemical castration; if I could go back in time, I would stop myself from saying anything for just a few more days.
He died knowing that about you.
If Margaras had to die, I would that he not die with that being the last he heard from me.
You cannot take that back.
If Younes, chemcast, and Margs’ death are immutable, if losing my friends was inevitable, at least let me delay the hour of my mistake.
You cannot.
Please.
You cannot.
Oh god.
It was the last thing he heard from you.
Merciful god, please take me away.
You never spoke to him again.
I will close my eyes and my heart and become a stone.